Hospital Massacre (1982)

Hospital Massacre or as it was called in the version I saw X-Ray is a 1982 (some would say '81) slasher film that has a holiday theme.  This time the holiday is Valentine's Day which is perfect for this time of year.  Even if it may or may not be the perfect film for the job.  Starring is Barbi Benton (Deathstalker and Playboy fame) as Susan Jeremy a divorced mother who is starting a new job but before she can start she must pass a physical and apparently there is an issue with the results of her checkup.  While there she meets an intern named Harry (Charles Lucia who also starred in Society and Tank Girl) who seems to think someone has tampered with her results just to get her to stay in the hospital.  The same hospital where someone just happens to be going around killing patients, doctors, and nurses alike.  The first person she suspects is her ex-husband Tom.  But is it him?  The rest of the cast is mostly unknowns but there are a couple I wanted to mention simply because of the part they play here.     

 

 

 Barbi's doctor is played by John Warner Williams that's him up there watching her undress before her exam.  Not only is he creepy that way but he's even creepy as he slowly examines her.  Way too slow and way too handsy plus if a doctor ever makes that much eye contact with me as he's examining me we're gonna have a problem.  For fuck sake the way he takes her blood sample even feels a little like assault.  Then we have a hospital room where all the people in it are in some sort of traction and seem to be writhing in agony.  This feels like something out of a David Lynch film.  Somehow there's a hospital drunk walking around as well.  Not sure how the hell that happens but this is back in the time where you could smoke in a hospital!  Even if your a patient in the hospital!  There's one other room I need to talk about and that is the one that Barbi is put in when they decide to keep her for observation.  This room has three old ladies also in it with her, but one is played by a man.  

Don't ask me, I'm not the director, speaking of which, that honor belongs to Boaz Davidson who also directed The Last American Virgin and Going Bananas.  Who is the killer and why does it seem like Barbi is the main target of the killer and has been so from the beginning is something Barbi will have to find out or die trying.  Now, we do have a "Tait" alert (for more on that see my review of Corona Zombies here: http://themanholecover.blogspot.com/2023/01/corona-zombies-2020.html ) I mean with Barbi and her breasts how could there not be?  The Taitometer goes off at around 33 minutes.  Of course it's during the physical exam so it's super awkward.  An interesting fact about this one is that it was filmed in an actual abandoned hospital.  More bloody then it is gory for a slasher, it's just a really odd movie and while I was entertained (some of the time), I was nearly equally bored.  Which is never a good thing.  Again, another film that would really fit into the two and three quarter range but we don't do quarters here so I'll round up.  Three Jack in the boxes (you'd get that joke if you saw the film) out of five.  But it's a weak, confusing, and bizarre three.