The Horror Honey and I decided we wanted to go to the movies to see something spooky. So we had a few films to choose from Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, Speak No Evil, Alien Romulus, and The Substance. After we narrowed it down to Speak No Evil and The Substance I left the final choice up to my better half. She picked The Substance and off we went. The Substance is a black comedy body horror directed by Coralie Fargeat who also directed 2017’s Revenge. Starring here is Demi Moore (St. Elmo’s Fire, G.I. Jane, and A Few Good Men) as Elisabeth Sparkle an aging Hollywood actress whose better days are behind her. She is fired from her exercise TV program by her boss Harvey who is played so well by Dennis Quaid (The Parent Trap, The Day After Tomorrow, and The Right Stuff) that for most of the movie I questioned if he was acting or if this is what he is like now. Maybe he went as crazy as his brother did, I dunno.
Soon after she is fired, Elisabeth is involved in an auto accident and while in the hospital a nurse gives her a flash drive. The flash drive contains information about a serum that creates a younger, more beautiful, and more perfect version of the user. This serum is called The Substance. After ordering the product Elisabeth begins using it. There is something called the “activator” that she uses first which begins the process of creating a younger version of herself. The younger version calls herself Sue and is played by Margaret Qualley (Once Upon A Time In Hollywood and The Nice Guys) who is also Andie McDowell’s daughter. Now here’s the catch: when Sue is “awake” Elisabeth is not and vice-versa. This is the case for seven days and at the end of the seven days Sue must put herself to sleep so Elisabeth can wake up. The entire process hinges on the directions being strictly followed which of course they eventually are not. When this begins it has horrifying side effects.
OK, so about a half hour into this thing I’m thinking this is one of those artsy films that isn’t very much in the horror category as it is a statement against vanity. Look, we all get old (if we’re lucky that is) we all get wrinkles, grey hair, you name it; age will knock you on your ass every chance it gets. Then when the rules aren’t followed the shit hits the fan! My god, the effects, the gore, the cringe inducing images, the weirdness, the gross way Dennis Quaid eats craw fish! I lost count how many times I looked at my Horror Honey and asked “WTF?”. I didn’t look away. I couldn’t look away. And at times I really felt like I wanted to. A few times I caught myself grabbing the arm rest of the reclining seats in the movie theater pretty firmly! I don’t think I’ve seen a film quite like this before or if I have it’s been a while.
As I’m writing this the closest I can come up with to compare it to is a film called Society from 1989. That film is around two hours maybe a little less and for the first half it’s pretty boring and then the last half hour or so it is a shit show in all the best ways. This film is very similar to that but it’s not boring at all. Slow at times, yes, but never boring. I don’t know how to tell you all the things that happen in this film. Shocking doesn’t even come close to describing it. It’s a good time for sure from the pelvic thrusts of Moore and Qualley as they are leading their aerobic classes to Dennis Quaid being the greasy Hollywood producer. Side note here before Quaid was tapped to play the part Ray Liotta was signed for the role but he passed away just as filming was about to began. I can’t say if Liotta would have been better in the role but as a huge fan I would have loved to see him play the part. Cheesy is an understatement for how I feel he would have played the part.
I don’t know how Academy Awards work, I know horror films are hardly ever nominated but if Demi Moore isn’t nominated for actress or supporting actress something is wrong. This has got to be the best work of her career. Qualley is hot, she could have gotten great reviews just by looking gorgeous and being sneaky but she does even more than that and kudos to her; I’m sure she will have a great career too and can’t wait to see more from her. I’ve rambled on enough about this but I will say I saw things I never saw before in The Substance. Things I never knew I could see or needed to see and now am so glad my Horror Honey picked The Substance for us to go see. What a friggin’ date night this turned out to be. Horrifyingly beautiful with over-the-top special effects for this finely veiled Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde sort of remake. Four and a half boobs bursting through an eye socket out of five! I said what I said!
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